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WELCOME to a MARKETPLACE for CUSTOMIZED TOASTS 'n ROASTS  &  a HOST of WRITTEN SERVICES in ENGLISH, SPANISH or PORTUGUESE.

1/18/2016

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We are blessed with a tight team of talented friends and colleagues across the USA, Latin America and Western Europe -- experienced writers who may be available, when the spirit moves, to be a "Quill for Hire" -- for a helpful while.

If you're a professional writer with a seasoned CV and multiple publications -- whether magazine features, poems, comedy writing, newspaper articles or books -- and you'd like to toss your hat in the ring as a new wordsmith on our lit-brokerage team, please call John at  952-953-4124  to discuss contract provisos, resume' vetting and compensation options.

Now on the flip side of the diction coin, if you have a pressing need for any of the professional services listed here below -- from a "Pen for a Day" -- please feel free to e-mail L.J. or Susan at the address on our Contact Page to discuss rates, deadlines and customized project parameters for...


  • Comedic scripts for a retirement "Toast", a VIP's "Roast" or birthday celebration -- whether in a corporate setting, a civic gathering, a convention or a family reunion.
  • Parody lyrics for the emcee of an office party, convention event or seminar.
  • New lyrics for contemporary pop songs, jazz melodies or show tunes.
  • Crafting and re-drafting advertising slogans or ad scripts.
  • Speeches of a serious nature, even political addresses -- if terms can be reached and we concur fully with the ethics and ethos of the project.
  • Rewrites of scripts, manuscripts, interviews or feature articles.
  • Original feature stories, news analyses or editorials for newspaper or magazine publication.
  • Whatever, whenever....  If you can dream it up -- and it's not too far off the deep end -- we'll find an agile, sharp writer in short order to "get 'er done."

Here below are some examples of recent customized writing projects -- commissioned tongue-in-cheek by associates, or friends of friends -- and unleashed on an unsuspecting planet with a good bit of mirth and merriment...

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MY FAVORITE SLINGS (& ARROWS) - a parody

1/18/2016

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© Copyright 2015-2020, John Hessburg.  All rights reserved. 

(To the tune of "My Favorite Things" from the musical "Sound of Music."  Written for an evening event with comedic theme, attended by Midwest investors early in the Great Recession.)


First it was Enron, then Bear-Stearns, then Lehman’s
Fat cats were stashing their cash in the Caymans
Then all our home values crashed in a heap
Same with our IRAs, aww blankety-bleep!
 
Treasury Boss Geithner forgot to pay taxes
Yet controlled IRS auditing axes
Something is rotten in Denmark, it seems
Wall Street’s top tickers are all Ponzi schemes.
 

(Chorus)
When the Dow bites, when the stocks sting,
When my Schwab fund blows;
I simply remember that now Charlie Sheen
Can only afford crack ho’s.


 
Ol’ Bernie Madoff with 65 billion
Retirement losses they topped a gazillion
AIG bonuses heaped on execs
For failure – hey, that’s even better than sex!
 
Bottom lines migrate up to our foreheads
Horrific stock news makes us all soreheads
Blithering, dithering, wringing their hands
Congress can't find their testosterone glands!


(Chorus)
When the Dow bites, when the stocks sting,
When my Schwab fund tanks;
I simply remember that even Ruth Madoff
Will now dine on beans & franks.

 

Berkshire-Hathaway’s down in the dumps
Donald Trump’s slid into one of his slumps
Every time Obama opens his mouth
Dow-Jones Industrials fall further south!
 
Where was Bernanke, was he M-I-A?
Ditching the Fed for Club Med – what the hey?
Although Bill Gates was shopping WalMart
Here is some happy news, let’s not lose heart …
 

(Chorus)
When the Dow bites, when the stocks sting,
When my Schwab fund sucks;
I simply remember that Warren Buffet
Is down 20 billion bucks!

 

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"The  MACHO CINEMA" - a parody.

1/8/2016

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© Copyright 2015-2020, John Hessburg.  All rights reserved. 

(To the tune of "Glory Glory Halleluia."  Written for a Spring Soiree of the St. Paul Film Roundtable, a private club of writers, artists and culture critics who, since 1998 have met once a month in St. Paul MN to review the best art films and feature flicks of the season.  A good friend in this Movie Group recently lamented that post-modern cinema, driven by mega-studios and their bottom lines, has devolved into little more than "F-bombs, boobs and explosions."  This satire in song explores the excesses.  Oh, and "Yes Virginia, it's OK, every now and then, to indulge in slang to make an artistic point."  Thank God there's still no government fee for a poetic license.)


We are so secure in our masculinity
Why we could wear a pink shirt, or even hug a tree
The glories of testosterone are flowing, fast & free
In the MACHO CINEMA.
 
(Chorus)
            Glory glory halleluia
            Don't let them sensitive guys fool ya
            Give 'em a chance & Tarantino'll rule ya
            Gimme MACHO CINEMA !

 
All hail to Schwarzenegger & those Terminator flicks
He's knockin' heads & wreckin' trucks
He's got no time for chicks
One hour with Merchant Ivory feels like
Swimming the River Styx
Gimme MACHO CINEMA !
 
(Chorus)
 
We yawn at Woody Allen, Billy Crystal what a smurf
And Nathan Lane's a gnawing pain
A' prancing in his scarf
Then Rupert Everett with Madonna
Man, we're gonna barf
Gimme MACHO CINEMA !
 
(Chorus)
 
Who'd a' thunk a macho hunk would ever cross the line
We brim with rage when Nicolas Cage
Gets doe-eyed with Meg Ryan
So if yer sellin' Sister Act, then brother we ain't buyin'
Gimme MACHO CINE- 
MACHO CINE- 
MACHO CINEMA !
 
(Finale Chorus) 


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"The GOSSIP MACHINE" - a pop-song parody.

1/8/2016

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© Copyright 2015-2020, John Hessburg.  All rights reserved. 

To the tune of "Creeque Alley" by The Mamas and the Papas, this satiric lyric was first written in late 2008, when newspapers and TV were chockablock with lurid tales of extramarital affairs and backroom indiscretions.  It was all too much.  Presented as an entry in a Twin Cities Joke-Tellers Contest.  Can't remember who won.  So there...


Coiffed John Edwards, barreling headwards
Into a scandal supreme
His busty blonde bimbo, legs all akimbo
Poses for GQ – what a scream…
 
CHORUS:
Everywhere you turn the Paparazzi gather
Swarming, swarming, resolutely storming
Every private corner they see
And everybody’s getting rich – like TMZ.

 
Tiger Woods’ harem, nothin’ seems to scare ‘em
Away from T & A publicity
With 9 iron feelin’, Tiger’s wife Elin
Runs away to the North Sea…
 
CHORUS:
 
Perez Hilton, stinky as a Stilton
Dishing gossip from a deep tureen
We might feel annoyed, about his Schadenfreude
But it’s a million-dollar machine…
 
CHORUS:
 
Reads like a script ‘bout Creature from the Crypt
Jesse James with Bombshell McGee
Sandy Bullock’s poutin’, she kicked Jesse out’n
They’re all over network TV…
 
CHORUS:

See Wolf Blitzer report on Guv Spitzer’s
Call-girl Ashley Dupree’
Now she’s got a talk show, a rubber-neckin' gawk show
Cultural in-sanity…
 
CHORUS:


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"LITTLE MAMA DEEDLES" - a birthday song.

1/7/2016

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© Copyright 2015-2020, Music & Lyric by John Hessburg.  All rights reserved. 

(With a ragtime "Vaudeville-ish" melody, this song was written for the 40th birthday party of Diane Schuur, celebrated American jazz singer and a dear friend for 3 decades, at an evening event in Seattle.)


 
Here comes our Little Mama Deedles
My my, we're feeling pins n' needles
From our noses, right down to our feet-les,
Oh yeah -- whoa whoa...
 
There she goes in a slinky red pajama
Such a touch of scintillating drama
To make her smile, we'd hike to Ala-bama,
Oh yeah -- whoa whoa...
 
 
CHORUS: 
Oh you should see her when she walks into a room
All the guys they fantasize
They shiver & they quiver at her Va-Va-Va-VOOM!

 
 
Gee whiz what a lovely little lady
The world's at 55 & she is drivin' eighty
To make her laugh, we'd swim the sea to Haiti
Oh yeah -- whoa whoa...
 
Have you heard, she stood up Warren Beatty
If you're a jazzy cat, you better not be  fraidy!
Man we're talkin' 'bout a smooth-lovin' lady --
Oh yeah -- whoa whoa...
 
 
CHORUS: 
Oh you should see her when she walks into a room
All the guys they fantasize
They shiver & they quiver at her Va-Va-Va-VOOM!

 

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"LET IT SNOW" - a send-up o' the Christmas song.

1/7/2016

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Minnesota  nICE?   Bah humbug.  Where is global warming when you need it?
 
© Copyright 2015-2020, John Hessburg.  All rights reserved. 
 

Oh the weather outside is sickening
And our blood is actually thickening
They're flyin' South, the geese & ducks
Even bird-brains know that winter sucks.
 
'Tis the season to be jolly not blue
'Til you catch the Asian flu
Remember salt your sidewalk, too
Or your neighbors will be sure to sue.
 
 
CHORUS:
So be careful walkin' under your eaves
Which are all clogged with autumn leaves
Or you might get drilled by an icicle
And a 15-pounder doesn't tickle....
 
 
After cross-country skiing it feels weird
To be pulling icicles outta my beard
But here's another winter blight --
Road salt rusting every car in sight.
 
Yep, no snow’s sweet as sugar
When it creates the "Wheel Well Booger"
And the reason for this half-baked quip --
I just slipped on black ice & broke my hip.
 
 
CHORUS:
Still  the Minnesotans say you gotta
Venture out & embrace the snow
However, if the truth were really known
It's the whiskey that makes their cheeks glow...
 
 
Oh the weather outside is hideous
And the sub-zero temps insidious
And Ol' Man Winter we ain't lyin'
Shoved our state where the sun don't shine.
 
Our garage floors look like pig stys
And our lips are crispy as french fries
Wintertime is such a nosebleed
'Bout as glamorous as a lutefisk feed.
 

CHORUS:
So it's time to get iconoclastic
And mash the myth of Minnesota Nice
'Cause May in Minneapolis is fantastic
'Til schools send home a warning 'bout head lice...
 
 

Now the woodland peace gets shattered
By some snowmobilers' clatter
So here's a little warm advice
Take your next ride across thin ice...


Oh the weather outside is sickening
And our blood is actually thickening
They're flying South, the geese & ducks
Even bird brains know that winter sucks !!

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