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We are blessed with a tight team of talented friends and colleagues across the USA, Latin America and Western Europe -- experienced writers who may be available, when the spirit moves, to be a "Quill for Hire" -- for a helpful while.
If you're a professional writer with a seasoned CV and multiple publications -- whether magazine features, poems, comedy writing, newspaper articles or books -- and you'd like to toss your hat in the ring as a new wordsmith on our lit-brokerage team, please call John at 952-953-4124 to discuss contract provisos, resume' vetting and compensation options. Now on the flip side of the diction coin, if you have a pressing need for any of the professional services listed here below -- from a "Pen for a Day" -- please feel free to e-mail L.J. or Susan at the address on our Contact Page to discuss rates, deadlines and customized project parameters for...
Here below are some examples of recent customized writing projects -- commissioned tongue-in-cheek by associates, or friends of friends -- and unleashed on an unsuspecting planet with a good bit of mirth and merriment...
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© Copyright 2015-2020, John Hessburg. All rights reserved.
(To the tune of "My Favorite Things" from the musical "Sound of Music." Written for an evening event with comedic theme, attended by Midwest investors early in the Great Recession.) First it was Enron, then Bear-Stearns, then Lehman’s Fat cats were stashing their cash in the Caymans Then all our home values crashed in a heap Same with our IRAs, aww blankety-bleep! Treasury Boss Geithner forgot to pay taxes Yet controlled IRS auditing axes Something is rotten in Denmark, it seems Wall Street’s top tickers are all Ponzi schemes. (Chorus) When the Dow bites, when the stocks sting, When my Schwab fund blows; I simply remember that now Charlie Sheen Can only afford crack ho’s. Ol’ Bernie Madoff with 65 billion Retirement losses they topped a gazillion AIG bonuses heaped on execs For failure – hey, that’s even better than sex! Bottom lines migrate up to our foreheads Horrific stock news makes us all soreheads Blithering, dithering, wringing their hands Congress can't find their testosterone glands! (Chorus) When the Dow bites, when the stocks sting, When my Schwab fund tanks; I simply remember that even Ruth Madoff Will now dine on beans & franks. Berkshire-Hathaway’s down in the dumps Donald Trump’s slid into one of his slumps Every time Obama opens his mouth Dow-Jones Industrials fall further south! Where was Bernanke, was he M-I-A? Ditching the Fed for Club Med – what the hey? Although Bill Gates was shopping WalMart Here is some happy news, let’s not lose heart … (Chorus) When the Dow bites, when the stocks sting, When my Schwab fund sucks; I simply remember that Warren Buffet Is down 20 billion bucks! © Copyright 2015-2020, John Hessburg. All rights reserved.
(To the tune of "Glory Glory Halleluia." Written for a Spring Soiree of the St. Paul Film Roundtable, a private club of writers, artists and culture critics who, since 1998 have met once a month in St. Paul MN to review the best art films and feature flicks of the season. A good friend in this Movie Group recently lamented that post-modern cinema, driven by mega-studios and their bottom lines, has devolved into little more than "F-bombs, boobs and explosions." This satire in song explores the excesses. Oh, and "Yes Virginia, it's OK, every now and then, to indulge in slang to make an artistic point." Thank God there's still no government fee for a poetic license.) We are so secure in our masculinity Why we could wear a pink shirt, or even hug a tree The glories of testosterone are flowing, fast & free In the MACHO CINEMA. (Chorus) Glory glory halleluia Don't let them sensitive guys fool ya Give 'em a chance & Tarantino'll rule ya Gimme MACHO CINEMA ! All hail to Schwarzenegger & those Terminator flicks He's knockin' heads & wreckin' trucks He's got no time for chicks One hour with Merchant Ivory feels like Swimming the River Styx Gimme MACHO CINEMA ! (Chorus) We yawn at Woody Allen, Billy Crystal what a smurf And Nathan Lane's a gnawing pain A' prancing in his scarf Then Rupert Everett with Madonna Man, we're gonna barf Gimme MACHO CINEMA ! (Chorus) Who'd a' thunk a macho hunk would ever cross the line We brim with rage when Nicolas Cage Gets doe-eyed with Meg Ryan So if yer sellin' Sister Act, then brother we ain't buyin' Gimme MACHO CINE- MACHO CINE- MACHO CINEMA ! (Finale Chorus) © Copyright 2015-2020, John Hessburg. All rights reserved.
To the tune of "Creeque Alley" by The Mamas and the Papas, this satiric lyric was first written in late 2008, when newspapers and TV were chockablock with lurid tales of extramarital affairs and backroom indiscretions. It was all too much. Presented as an entry in a Twin Cities Joke-Tellers Contest. Can't remember who won. So there... Coiffed John Edwards, barreling headwards Into a scandal supreme His busty blonde bimbo, legs all akimbo Poses for GQ – what a scream… CHORUS: Everywhere you turn the Paparazzi gather Swarming, swarming, resolutely storming Every private corner they see And everybody’s getting rich – like TMZ. Tiger Woods’ harem, nothin’ seems to scare ‘em Away from T & A publicity With 9 iron feelin’, Tiger’s wife Elin Runs away to the North Sea… CHORUS: Perez Hilton, stinky as a Stilton Dishing gossip from a deep tureen We might feel annoyed, about his Schadenfreude But it’s a million-dollar machine… CHORUS: Reads like a script ‘bout Creature from the Crypt Jesse James with Bombshell McGee Sandy Bullock’s poutin’, she kicked Jesse out’n They’re all over network TV… CHORUS: See Wolf Blitzer report on Guv Spitzer’s Call-girl Ashley Dupree’ Now she’s got a talk show, a rubber-neckin' gawk show Cultural in-sanity… CHORUS: © Copyright 2015-2020, Music & Lyric by John Hessburg. All rights reserved.
(With a ragtime "Vaudeville-ish" melody, this song was written for the 40th birthday party of Diane Schuur, celebrated American jazz singer and a dear friend for 3 decades, at an evening event in Seattle.) Here comes our Little Mama Deedles My my, we're feeling pins n' needles From our noses, right down to our feet-les, Oh yeah -- whoa whoa... There she goes in a slinky red pajama Such a touch of scintillating drama To make her smile, we'd hike to Ala-bama, Oh yeah -- whoa whoa... CHORUS: Oh you should see her when she walks into a room All the guys they fantasize They shiver & they quiver at her Va-Va-Va-VOOM! Gee whiz what a lovely little lady The world's at 55 & she is drivin' eighty To make her laugh, we'd swim the sea to Haiti Oh yeah -- whoa whoa... Have you heard, she stood up Warren Beatty If you're a jazzy cat, you better not be fraidy! Man we're talkin' 'bout a smooth-lovin' lady -- Oh yeah -- whoa whoa... CHORUS: Oh you should see her when she walks into a room All the guys they fantasize They shiver & they quiver at her Va-Va-Va-VOOM! Minnesota nICE? Bah humbug. Where is global warming when you need it?
© Copyright 2015-2020, John Hessburg. All rights reserved. Oh the weather outside is sickening And our blood is actually thickening They're flyin' South, the geese & ducks Even bird-brains know that winter sucks. 'Tis the season to be jolly not blue 'Til you catch the Asian flu Remember salt your sidewalk, too Or your neighbors will be sure to sue. CHORUS: So be careful walkin' under your eaves Which are all clogged with autumn leaves Or you might get drilled by an icicle And a 15-pounder doesn't tickle.... After cross-country skiing it feels weird To be pulling icicles outta my beard But here's another winter blight -- Road salt rusting every car in sight. Yep, no snow’s sweet as sugar When it creates the "Wheel Well Booger" And the reason for this half-baked quip -- I just slipped on black ice & broke my hip. CHORUS: Still the Minnesotans say you gotta Venture out & embrace the snow However, if the truth were really known It's the whiskey that makes their cheeks glow... Oh the weather outside is hideous And the sub-zero temps insidious And Ol' Man Winter we ain't lyin' Shoved our state where the sun don't shine. Our garage floors look like pig stys And our lips are crispy as french fries Wintertime is such a nosebleed 'Bout as glamorous as a lutefisk feed. CHORUS: So it's time to get iconoclastic And mash the myth of Minnesota Nice 'Cause May in Minneapolis is fantastic 'Til schools send home a warning 'bout head lice... Now the woodland peace gets shattered By some snowmobilers' clatter So here's a little warm advice Take your next ride across thin ice... Oh the weather outside is sickening And our blood is actually thickening They're flying South, the geese & ducks Even bird brains know that winter sucks !! |
ROASTING 'n TOASTING
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